he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
