I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
