I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize