apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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