I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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