Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
