i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize