Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
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