Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Never let your siblings swipe right.
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