there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
