My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
