So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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