it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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