I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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