dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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