I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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