Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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