I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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