My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
