Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
