i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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