hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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