I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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