dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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