No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
