i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
