I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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