Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
