Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
