I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
