Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I want a musical about memes.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize