i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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