I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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