my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
