Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
