I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
