I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
