I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
