When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
