Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
