ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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