I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
