i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
