you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
