Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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