What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
