Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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