This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
