you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
