Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
