When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
