It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
