i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You may now shotgun with the bride
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
