Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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