I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
