so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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