I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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