Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
