Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Randomize
