I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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