Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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