...so i touched it.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
