good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
