my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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